I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
