if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
