So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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