They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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