God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
