i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
