tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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