Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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