You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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