Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
