If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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