"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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