Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
