She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
