So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
