you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
