just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
