I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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