I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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