When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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