Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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