I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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