Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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