I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
