It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
