apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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