Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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