I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
