Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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