Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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