We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
