From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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