I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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