I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
