I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
