sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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