Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
