I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
