my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
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