i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will be naked everywhere
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
