For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
