did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
