if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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