I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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