We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
