I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
