Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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