the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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