i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
