I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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